Saturday, March 19, 2016

THIS JUST IN! HOW TO SUCCEED IN POLITICS!

BULLY BOY PRESS &    CEDRIC'S BIG MIX -- THE KOOL AID TABLE

SHORT AND FAT BUT SHE STILL MANAGED TO CON MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

REACHED FOR COMMENT THIS EVENING BY THESE REPORTERS, CRANKY CLINTON EXPLAINED THE SECRET OF HER SUCCESS.

"LIE," SHE EXPLAINED.  "LIE FREQUENTLY.  LIE OFTEN.  LIE BOLDLY.  JUST LIE.  IF YOU LIE, YOU WILL BE BELIEVED.  TRUST ME.  OR DON'T.  MAYBE I'M LYING.  CAN YOU TELL?  OF COURSE YOU CAN'T.  BECAUSE I AM THE BEST LIAR IN THE WORLD."





So what might a Hillary Clinton presidency look like on the evening news?



Andrea Mitchell:  Good evening, I'm Andrea Mitchell and this is NBC NIGHTLY NEWS WITH LESTER HOLT.  Lester is off tonight.  Our top story?  Former president Bill Clinton refuses to vacate the White House.  First up, we go to NBC analyst and host of MEET THE PRESS Chuck Todd. Chuck?

Chuck Todd: Andrea, they're calling it 14 Days of Do-Nothing.


Andrea Mitchell: Who's calling it that, Chuck?


Chuck Todd: Just me, so far, but I'm really hoping this catchs on.   It was 14 days ago that the world learned of Bill Clinton's affair with actress Bernadette Troy.  The scandal continues because of the inaction on the part of the White House and, today, Ms. Troy's announcement today that she will be selling copies of a sex tape with First Gentleman Bill Clinton.


Andrea Mitchell:  Now is this 'alleged sex tape' or has anyone actually viewed it?


Chuck Todd:  Thus far, no one has viewed it.  At midnight, it will begin selling and streaming at iTunes and Amazon.  


Andrea Mitchell:  And there has been no response as of yet to the announcement or the affair.  Thank you, Chuck.  We'll come back to Chuck later in the program but for now we go to NBC News correspondent Michelle Kosinski who was at the White House earlier today when President Hillary Clinton was joined by UK Prime Minister David Cameron to address the issue of Iran's nuclear program.  But the only questions were about Bernadette Troy.  Michelle?


Michelle Kosinski:  You are correct on that, Andrea.  Finally facing a group of reporters, President Clinton was on the White House lawn this afternoon.  The press was told that she would speak and then Mr. Cameron would make a few remarks.  There would be no questions.  Someone, Andrea, forgot we have a free press.


Footage of President Hillary Clinton and David Cameron standing at a podium. 

President Hillary Clinton: And so it is for this reason that we are giving Iran an ultmatium.  They have until midnight --

Reporter 1:  What about the sex tape!

Reporter 2:  Have you seen the sex tape, Madam President!

Reporter 3:  Are you and the First Gentleman sharing the same bedroom still!

Reporter 4:  Do you forgive him?


Michelle Kosinski:  President Clinton's remarks on Iran were a footnote to today's event.  Clearly, America wants to know what is going on.  More to the point, they want an answer to that lonely cry: "Do you forgive him?"  Back to you, Andrea.  


Andrea Mitchell: Thank you, Michelle, for that report.  To grasp what it all means, we go back to NBC news analyst Chuck Todd.  Chuck, you heard Michelle's report.  What do you make of it?


Chuck Todd:  Clearly on Day 14 of Do-Nothing, the American people want answers.  They need answers.  Remember, this is not the first time Bill Clinton has cheated on the president.  But this is the first time it's happened -- or known to have happened -- since Hillary Clinton was sworn in as president.  


Andrea Mitchell:  And what does it mean exactly?


Chuck Todd: Exactly?  My sources say that this was more than just a Lewinski -- much more.  There was penetration --


Andrea Mitchell: No, Chuck, what does it mean for the country?


Chuck Todd: I think what the American people are asking is, "Do you forgive him?"  Does President Clinton forgive her husband Bill?


Andrea Mitchell: Thank you for breaking that down, Chuck.  We now go to entertainment correspondent and TODAY SHOW host Savannah Guthrie.  Savannah, the whole country still wants to know who Bernadine Troy is?


Savannah Guthrie:  Well, Andrea, Bernadette Troy in Meadville, Pennsylvania in 1988 and went on to a notable career with an episode of DONNY!, a background player on BEST TIME EVER WITH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! and contributions to many other shows that ended with an exclamation point.  Troy is possibly most recognized for her work with Tom Beregon on infomercials.

Andrea Mitchell: So she is acclaimed in her field?

Savannah Guthrie:  Yes, that is correct.  One observer said, and I'm quoting, "Bernadette is like a young Charo or Joey Heatheron before the drugs."


Chuck Todd: I said that!  Andrea, I said that.


Andrea Mitchell:  NBC News analyst Chuck Todd.  Chuck, I understand that you are now being cited as an expert on this topic?


Chuck Todd:  Yes, Andrea that is correct.  Now --


Andrea Mitchell:  Excuse me, Chuck, we have Richard Engel standing by.  NBC News chief foreign correspondent Richard Engel.  Richard, are you there?


Richard Engel: Yes, Andrea, I am there or, rather, I am here in downtown Baghdad where protests are breaking out across the region and the root cause of it may be the latest affair of former president Bill Clinton.  In Tehran, the protesters carried signs stating "YANKEE DEVIL WATCH WHERE YOU POKE THAT THING" while in Damascus some signs proclaimed, "YANKEE DEVIL STOP YOUR FORNICATION."

Andrea Mitchell: And, Richard, I understand that some foreign governments are watching this situation very closely.  

Richard Engel:  Well in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, leader Kim Jong Un has said that President Hillary Clinton has been bloodied on the world stage insisting that her paralysis on the issue of her marriage is reflective of her larger failure to act on the world stage.  He declared today, and I quote, "Yankee devil Hillary is weak and now is the time to destroy the United States."

Andrea Mitchell:  Chuck, analysis?


Chuck Todd:  It would appear President Clinton is being seen as a, quote, "Yankee devil."


Andrea Mitchell:  Insight!  We'll be right back after these commercial messages.




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