Friday, March 03, 2006

This Just In! Bully Boy's Course of "Miracles"

BULLY BOY PRESS - ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
AS THE BULLYING THE GLOBE WORLD TOUR 2006 WINDS DOWN, BULLY BOY DREW CROWDS IN PAKISTAN. 
 
WHEN ONE REPORTER, HELEN THOMAS, HAD THE NERVE TO ASK HIM WHAT HE THOUGHT OF THE MASSIVE PROTESTS THAT WERE GREETING HIM IN PAKISTAN, THE SPOKESMODELS AND COVER BOYS IN THE DC PRESS TURNED NASTY.
 
BULLY BOY WAITED FOR THE MINI-TSUNAMI TO DIE DOWN BEFORE RESPONDING TO THE QUESTION.
 
"HELEN,"  BULLY BOY BEGAN,  "WHEN PEOPLE ARE ILL, THEY ARE GROUCHY.  WE'RE DEALING WITH A NATION OF PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM PAKISTAN'S DISEASE.  I'VE DEALT WITH AIDS.  I'VE CURED IT.  NOW --"
 
"YOU HAVEN'T CURED AIDS," MS. THOMAS RESPONDED.
 
"YES, I HAVE.  AND I WILL CURE PAKISTAN'S DISEASE.  I WILL CURE CANCER AND I WILL CURE WORLD HUNGER.  WELL MAYBE NOT ALL THE WAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES A FATTY.  IN FACT, I KEEP TELLING SCOTTY TO DROP A FEW POUNDS.  NEXT QUESTION?"
 
WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTT MCCLELLAN LATER EXPLAINED THAT BULLY BOY WAS SAYING "PARKINSON'S DISEASE" BUT "WITH THAT TEXAN ACCENT OF HIS, PEOPLE GET CONFUSED.  IT'S A MANLY ACCENT, DON'T YOU THINK?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY RETURNING TO THE USA WITH A "PLAN"!

BULLY BOY PRESS - NEW DELHI
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY WOUND DOWN THE FIRST LEG OF HIS BULLYING THE GLOBE WORLD TOUR TODAY AND THE RECEPTION WAS QUITE VOCAL.
 
AT A FINAL OFFICIAL CEREMONY, BEHIND THE SMILES AND HAND SHAKES BETWEEN BULLY BOY AND INDIAN PRIME MINISTER MANMOHAN SINGH, TENSIONS WERE EVIDENT AS BULLY BOY CONTINUED TO SPREAD DEMOCRACY THROUGH THE WORLD BY WEAPONIZING WITH NUKES.
 
BULLY BOY INSISTED UPON REPEATEDLY REQUESTING THAT SINGH SING "TYRONE."
 
"COME ON,"  BULLY BOY INSISTED, "THINK I BETTER CALL TYRONE . . ."
 
PRIME MINISTER SINGH WAS HEARD TO ASK,  "WHO IS THIS 'ERYKA BADU' AND WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING ME THAT?"
 
TAKING QUESTIONS FROM HIS FAN CLUB, AKA THE TRAVELING DC PRESS CORPS, BULLY BOY INSISTED THAT "I'M A BIG FAN.  I'M GLAD TO COME TO THE HIP-HOP NATION AND I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE VISITS SO I CAN MEET SNICKERS AND LONG ISLAND ICED-T AS WELL."
 
CONDI RICE INSISTED THAT THE PRESS AVOID THE ISSUE AND EXPLAINED THAT BULLY BOY HAD CALLED HER "MRS. HUXTABLE" THROUGHOUT THE FIRST FOUR YEARS "AND THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE LOVES ME ANY LESS!"
 
EXPLAINING WHY HE WAS EAGER TO ARM ONE NATION WITH NUKES WHILE HE FRETS OVER THE ALLEGED NUCLEAR CAPABILITIES OF OTHER NATIONS, BULLY BOY EXPLAINED,  "I AM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT FENCES MAKE FOR GOOD NEIGHBORS.  AND I THINK GOOD NEIGHBORS BORROW A CUP OF NUKES FROM ONE ANOTHER ON THOSE ROUGH MORNINGS WHERE YOU'RE DRAGGING."
 
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE OF THE PORTS, BULLY BOY SIGHED LOUDLY.
 
"I HAVE A PLAN,"  BULLY BOY EXPLAINED.  "MY ECONOMIC CHOICES ARE A PLAN.  AND MY PLAN IS A PLAN.  MY PLAN IS GOOD FOR THE RICH AND THE PORTS.  A PORT MAN WORKING AT MCDONALDS WILL GET TAX RELIEF UNDER MY PLAN.  IT IS A GOOD PLAN.  IT IS A STRONG PLAN.  IT IS A PLAN.  RICH OR PORT, ALL BENEFIT FROM MY PLAN."
 
THE LAST FUNCTIONING PRESS MEMBER IN THE POOL,  HELEN THOMAS, ASKED BULLY BOY IF HE COULD "EXPLAIN THIS PLAN?"
 
"HELEN, WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?"  ASKED BULLY BOY.  "I JUST DID.  IT IS A PLAN.  A PLAN FOR RICH AND FOR PORT.  PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST ME ON THIS.  I JUMPED INTO ACTION TO ADDRES THE PROBLEMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA AND I CAN HANDLE THE PROBLEM OF THE PORTS."
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THE BULLYING THE GLOBE WORLD TOUR!

BULLY BOY PRESS - NEW DELHI
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
ON THE FIRST LEG OF HIS BULLYING THE GLOBE WORLD TOUR,
 
AN EARLIER, SURPRISE TRIP TO AFGHANISTAN FOUND THE BULLY BOY BEING CALLED "A THIEF" BY TALIBAN DEPUTY LEADER MULLAH ABDULLAH AKHUND AFGHAN WARLORD WHO PROMISED TO GREET AN ANNOUNCED VISIT BY THE BULLY BOY WITH "ROCKETS AND ATTACKS."
 
SECRETARY OF STATE CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHO IS TRAVELING WITH BULLY BOY TO MAINTAIN HER STATUS OF "WORK WIFE" IN THE FACE OF CHALLENGES FROM HARRIE MIERS AND ALBERTO GONZALES, DOWNPLAYED THE STATEMENT BY MULLAH ABDULLAH AKHUND. 
 
SAID SECRETARY RICE, "NO ONE COULD HAVE GUESSED WE WOULD VISIT AFGHANISTAN BECAUSE  IT WAS A SURPRISE.  IN FACT, WE'VE ONLY PRETENDED TO IGNORE AFGHANISTAN THE PAST YEAR AND A 1/2 BECAUSE WE WANTED TO REALLY TICKLE THEM WHEN WE YELLED 'SURPRISE! WE'RE HERE!'"
 
WHEN PRESSED ON "ROCKETS," SECRETARY RICE REPLIED,  "WELL . . .
ROCKETS DO NOT HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.  EVERY ONE LOVES FIRE WORKS, RIGHT?  RIGHT?"
 
CHANGING THE SUBJECT, SECRETARY RICE WAVED TOWARDS A LITTLE OVER 100,00 PEOPLE WHO HAD TURNED OUT TO MEET BULLY BOY.  "THEY LOVE HIM,"  DECLARED RICE.  "BUT I SAW HIM FIRST."
 
SHOWING THE LOVE WERE SIGNS THAT READ "GO BACK, BULLY BOY", "BULLY BOY IS A KILLER" "BULLY BOY, BUZZ OFF", "BULLY BOY, STOP THE AMBUSH."
 
WHEN ASKED WHERE FIRST LADY LAURA BUSH WAS, SECRETARY RICE FELL SILENT.  "ISN'T SHE WITH US?"  WHEN ASKED WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO THE DISTURBED AND DRUNKEN WOMAN AT YESTERDAY'S PROTEST, SECRETARY RICE REMEMBERED THAT SHE HAD PROMISED TO CALL GWEN IFEL AND EXCUSED HERSELF. 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

THIS JUST IN! UNRULY WOMAN DISRUPTS PRESS CONFERENCE

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY WHICH WAS ATTENDED BY MANY PERSONS WHO POSED AS A FREE PRESS, WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTT MCCLELLEN AND A WOMAN WHO LOOKED MYSTERIOUSLY LIKE FIRST LADY LAURA BUSH THOUGH MCCLELLEN SWORE IT WAS NOT THE FIRST LADY.
 
 
AT THIS POINT THE WOMAN, WHOM WHITE HOUSE PET MCCLELLAN SWORE WAS NOT LAURA BUSH, SHOUTED OUT, "YEAH! UNITE AGAINST US OR LIVE UNDER CHAOS!"
 
BULLY BOY APPEARED VISIBLY NERVOUS AS THE WOMAN STOOD GLARING AT HIM, SIPPING FROM A CAN OF BUDWEISER.
 
SCOTT MCCLELLAN NUDGED A JOURNALIST IMPERSONATER AND WAS HEARD TO SAY "ASK YOUR QUESTION NOW!"  THE IMPOSTER DID SO:  "ARE YOU FOR OR AGAINST THE BOMBINGS OF THE MOSQUES IN IRAQ?"
 
"SOFT BALL OVER THE PLATE!"  MCCLELLAN EXCLAIMED ATTEMPTING TO DO THE SNOOPY DANCE UNTIL A BUDWEISER CAN HIT HIM IN THE HEAD, THROWN BY THE WOMAN WHOM THE WHITE HOUSE MAINTAINS WAS NOT LAURA BUSH.
 
CLEARING HIS THROAT, THE BULLY BOY REPLIED,  "THE UNITED STATES STRONGLY CONDEMS THE BOMBING OF HOLY SITES."
 
"THAT'S RIGHT, GEORGE!" HOLLERED THE WOMAN WHO WAS NOT LAURA BUSH WHILE SHE OPENED A FRESH CAN OF BUD,  "WE DON'T BOMB HOLY SITES, WE BOMB HOSPITALS!  WE BOMB HOMES!  CAN'T BOMB A PLACE OF WORSHIP, MIGHT MAKE OLD PATTY ROBERTSON NERVOUS!"
 
THE WOMAN WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE FIRST LADY LAURA BUSH BUT, AGAIN, WE WERE TOLD WAS NOT THE FIRST LADY, CONTINUED TO HECKLE BULLY BOY THROUGHOUT THE CONFERENCE (AND REPORTEDLY POLISHED OFF A SIX PACK AND A HALF WHILE DOING SO).  MANY WERE HEARD TO WONDER WHY THE SECRET SERVICE, WHICH USUALLY DID NOT HESISTATE TO WHISK AWAY ANYONE WHO ENTERED THE BULLY BOY BUBBLE, FAILED TO REMOVE THE OBVIOUSLY DRUNK AND DISORDERLY WOMAN?
 
AT ONE POINT THE BULLY BOY ADDRESSED THE WOMAN DIRECTLY SAYING, "LUMP IN THE BED, PLEASE YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME."
 
TO WHICH THE WOMAN RESPONDED,  "CRY BABY, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE HALF OF IT.  DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL CODEPINK ON YOUR ASS."
 
THE WOMAN, WHO AGAIN THE WHITE HOUSE SAYS WAS NOT LAURA BUSH, BUT IS APPARENTLY A HEAVY DRINKING WOMAN NAMED "LUMP IN THE BED," CONTINUED TO HECKLE BULLY BOY UNTIL SHE WAS LED AWAY BY A YOUNG, BLONDE WOMAN WHOM SCOTT MCCLELLAN INSISTED WAS NOT JENNA BUSH.
 
THE ONLY LIVING JOURNALIST IN THE DC PRESS CORP, HELEN THOMAS, WAS SEEN TO SHAKE HER HEAD AND HEARD TO SAY,  "IT'S WORSE THAN PAT NIXON."   
 
 
 
 

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