Friday, February 17, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY CHARMS THE PRESS!


BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

Last updated, Feb. 20, 10:46 am.
THIS JUST IN!

BULLY BOY STANDS BY HIS VICE PRESIDENT. SORT OF!

TODAY BULLY BOY TOOK QUESTIONS FROM THOSE WHO POSE AS THE DC. PRESS CORP.

"I THINK CHENEY SPOKE . . . I THINK WE HEARD . . . I THINK HE SAID SOME STUFF," BULLY BOY SAID.

AS PESKY SOUL HELEN THOMAS ATTEMPTED TO ASK A QUESTION, BULLY BOY WAVED HIS ARMS IN THE AIR.

"WOAH DOGGIES, YOU DON'T WANT ME," BULLY BOY STATED. "YOU WANT THE TRIGGER MAN."

SURPRISED BY THE LOUD ROAR OF LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE, BULLY BOY LOOKED AROUND NERVOUSLY FOR A MINUTE BEFORE GRINNING.

"ALRIGHT THEN. LET ME FOLLOW THAT WITH THERE IS NO TRUTH TO THE RUMORS THAT DICK CHENEY IS LEAVING MY ADMINISTRATION. YES, HE WILL BE FRONTING A NEWLY FORMED GUNS & ROSES, BUT THAT WILL BE ON HIS TIME."

OVER THE LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE, NBC'S DAVID GREGORY WAS HEARD YELLING, "I LOVE YOU, MR. BULLY BOY! I LOVE YOU!"

"LOVE YOU TOO, STRETCH," BULLY BOY SAID WARMING UP, "BUT CHENEY'S AIM IS SO BAD."

BULLY BOY GESTURED TO THE PRESS CORP WHO JOINED IN THE FESTIVITIES BY HOLLERING BACK, "HOW BAD IS IT!"

"CHENEY'S AIM IS SO BAD, LYNNE JUST HAD TO BUY HIM A TOILET TANK TARGET."

BULLY BOY THEN BASKED IN 5 MINUTES OF APPLAUSE AND ADULATION FROM THE DC. PRESS CORP.


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Thursday, February 16, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THE ONE TOKE CHENEY DANCE!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
THE ONE TOKE CHENEY DANCE IS SWEEPING THE NATION AS CHILDREN EVERYWHERE ADMIT TO DOING SOMETHING WHILE DENYING DOING ANYTHING.
 
"NO. YOU DON'T HUNT WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK.  THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA," VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY STATED YESTERDAY.
 
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY FOLLOWED THIS WITH A SHEEPISH, "I HAD A BEER AT LUNCH."
 
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY QUICKLY BACKED OFF THAT WITH, "NOBODY WAS DRINKING . . .  YOU DON'T HUNT WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK."
 
"WHAT IS THIS ONE BEER?" WONDERS THE NATION.
 
THERE IS SPECULATION THAT CHENEY'S "A BEER" REFERS TO "A COOLER" AS IN "I DRANK THE WHOLE COOLER BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WAS DRINKING."  THE ALTERNATIVE, OF COURSE, IS THAT THIS TEXAS BBQ/PICNIC SERVED/PACKED ONLY 1 BEER.
 
COMMENTS SOCIOLOGIST AND MOTHER OF THREE BETTY,  "SOME ONE WAS DRINKING, WEREN'T THEY, DICK?  YOU KEEP SAYING NO ONE WAS DRINKING, BUT SOMEONE WAS, ISN'T THAT RIGHT?  LITTLE MAN, I THINK YOU NEED TO GET TO YOUR ROOM UNTIL YOU CAN DO THE TRUTH TALK."
 
MEANWHILE A WOMAN WAS HEARD TO SCREAM "SHAMEFUL!  SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!"  AS THE AMBULANCE CARTED THE DERANGED WOMAN AWAY, SHE RETURNED TO CONVERSING WITH HERSELF WHILE EVERYONE RETURNED TO IGNORING HER.
 
"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN," DICK CHENEY SAID BEAMING, "MY OWN PERSONAL MARTHA MITCHELL.  LIKE THE AMBULANCE, SHE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE I GO."
 
 
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

THIS JUST IN! CHENEY COMES CLEAN!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN! 
 
ON WEDNESDAY VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY SHOVED RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE SHOOTING OF HARRY WHITTINGTON OFF ONTO BUCK SHOT.
 
"I'M THE GUY WHO PULLED THE TRIGGER THAT FIRED THE ROUND THAT HIT HARRY." 
 
UNDER EXTREME COAXING FROM FOX NEWS BEAUTY AND PROFESSIONAL TEASE BRIT HUME, VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY FINALLY ADMITTED THAT "I'M THE GUY WHO PULLED THE TRIGGER AND SHOT MY FRIEND."
 
AS THOUGH A GREAT BURDEN HAD BEEN LIFTED OFF HIS CHEST, VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY BEGAN CONFESSING TO A NUMBER OF THINGS.
 
"I AM THE GUY WHO DECIDED TO OUT CIA AGENT VALERIE PLAME WILSON."
 
BRIT HUME WAS HEARD TO GASP BUT VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY WASN'T DONE YET.  HE DECLARED, "I AM THE GUY WHO KNEW WE COULD GET AWAY WITH LYING THE NATION INTO WAR."
 
WHILE HUME CALLED FOR MAKE UP AND ASSISTANCE, DICK CHENEY CONTINUED, "I AM THE GUY WHO GLUED LOOSE CHADS BACK ONTO FLORIDA BALLOTS IN 2000.  IN 1975, WHILE I WAS GERALD FORD'S WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF I TOOK A HUNTING TRIP TO NORTH CAROLINA WITH STROM THURMOND.  LET'S JUST SAY HEAVY PETTING WAS INVOLVED, A LOT OF OVER THE HUNTING JACKET ACTION."
 
HUME FINALLY CUT OFF VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY TO SAY,  "WE HAVE TO GO TO COMMERCIAL." 
 
"GREAT," NODDED THE DICKSTER.  "WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TALK TURKEY ABOUT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON NOVEMBER 22, 1963."
 
WHEN EAR WAX WITH BRIT HUME CONTINUED, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY HAD TO STEP AWAY FROM THE STUDIO BUT, AS A SPECIAL TREAT, CONDI RICE HAD DROPPED BY TO DEMONSTRATE TO AMERICA HOW SHE CAN CRACK WALLNUTS OPEN WITH HER BARE HANDS.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THINGS GO WACK WHEN CHENEY PLAYS JACKS!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

THIS JUST IN!

MONDAY NIGHT, VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY DISLODGED THE LEFT EYE BALL OF LABOR SECRETARY ELAINE CHAO IN WHAT IS BEING DESCRIBED AS "A NASTY GAME OF JACKS."

WHITE HOUSE REPORTERS WERE FIRST INFORMED OF LAST NIGHT'S GAME AT APPROXIMATELY 4:40 PM TODAY.

WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG SCOTT MCCLELLAN TOLD REPORTERS, "HEY, THE DICKSTER PLAYS TO WIN. WHAT CAN I SAY?"

DETAILS KNOWN AT THIS TIME INDICATE THAT THE GAME BEGAN ON FRIENDLY TERMS BUT SOON TURNED VIOLENT AS BOTH PLAYERS ADVANCED TO "TWO-SIES."

AS VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY TOSSED THE BALL INTO THE AIR, SECRETARY CHAO WAS HEARD TO SAY, "I'M GOING TO CREAM YOUR ASS. I WAS THE FIRST GRADE JACKS CHAMPION."

EMITTING A BEASTLY GROWL, DICK CHENEY USED HIS RIGHT THUMB TO GOUGE OUT CHAO'S LEFT EYE.

WHITE HOUSE MARKATEER ANDREW CARD IS CALLING THE CONFRONTATION "A TRIUMPH FOR THE RIGHT" AND SPINNING THE INCIDENT AS A BATTLE BETWEEN RIGHT (THUMB) AND LEFT (EYE).

SECRETARY CHAO COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT. WHEN HER OFFICE WAS CONTACTED, THE PRESS WAS TOLD SHE HAD LEFT THE COUNTRY FOR A "RETREAT" WHICH SOME WAGS ARE SAYING WILL TAKE PLACE AT GUANTANAMO BAY.

EARLY REPORTS HAVE VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY MOUNTING THE EYE ON A PLAQUE WHICH WAS THEN HUNG IN HIS OFFICE. THE BULLY BOY WAS OBSERVED GIGGLING AND POINTING AT IT SHORTLY AROUND NOON TODAY.

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Monday, February 13, 2006

THIS JUST IN! DICK CHENEY HAS A FISHING MISHAP!

Revised 10:03 pm

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

TODAY IN WASHINGTON, DC., THE WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMED THAT YESTERDAY VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY SLICED OFF A MAN'S FINGER.


THE EVENT, AS IS CURRENTLY KNOWN, TOOK PLACE ON A SUNDAY FISHING TRIP. VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY WAS SAID TO BE ATTEMPTING TO GUT A FISH AND MISTOOK BULLY BOY PIONEER AND ENRON HERO KENNETH LAY'S RIGHT HAND FOR A FISH.

WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTT MCCLELLAN QUOTED VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY AS HAVING STATED, "I THOUGHT I WAS CUTTING OFF A FIN."

DETAILS EMERGED TODAY WHEN REPORTERS STAKED OUT ALL 29 OF KENNETH LAY'S MANSIONS HOPING TO CORNER HIM FOR A QUOTE AS TO HIS THOUGHTS ON KEN RICE. WHEN LAY EMERGED FROM HIS MOST RECENT MANSION, FORMERLY KNOW AS THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING IN NYC, REPORTERS NOTED THE BANDAGED RIGHT HAND.

"OH, IT'S NOT SO BAD," SAID KENNETH LAY, "DICK'S NOT GREEDY. HE LEFT ME 4 ON THIS HAND."

FORMER FIRST LADY BETTY FORD WAS HEARD TO REMARK, "MY HUSBAND'S NEVER BEEN WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL 'GRACEFUL' BUT GERRY NEVER BLOODIED ANYONE EITHER."

WHILE VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY HAS NOT SPOKEN TO THE PRESS, IT HAS RECENTLY BEEN LEARNED THAT UPON RETURNING TO DC. LATE YESTERDAY, HE COMPETED IN THE 2006 SWEETHEART SHOOT, A DART TOURNAMENT. NO WORD OF ANY INJURIES HAS YET TO BE RELEASED.

THE VICE PRESIDENT'S ITINERARY TODAY INCLUDES AN AXE TOSSING CONTEST IN THE DEEP SOUTH, WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS SAID SPEAKING ON THE CONDITION OF ANONYMITY -- NOT OUT OF ANY CONCERN OR FEAR BUT "JUST BECAUSE WE ALWAYS GET IT."

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