Friday, March 31, 2006

THIS JUST IN! CONDI SLAMS BULLY!

BULLY BOY PRESS - BLACKBURN, ENGLAND
 
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
CONDI SLAMS BULLY!
 
IN ENGLAND TODAY, SECRETARY OF STATE CONDI RICE DUSTED OFF HER POETRY SKILLS DESPITE HAVING ONLY 2 THINGS ON HER MIND: SALAMI AND THE THREE-YEAR-OLD DEFENSE.
 
WITH REGARDS TO SALAMI, SECRETARY OF STATE RICE WAS APPARENTLY HUNGRY.
 
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD DEFENSE IS ONE THAT PARENTS ACROSS THE GLOBE ARE FAMILIAR WITH: 
 
"I DIDN'T DO IT.  BUT IT YOU CAN PROVE THAT I DID, IT DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS MY FAULT!
 
 
AS A FOLLOW UP TO HER DIPLOMATIC STRATEGY OF NAH-NAH-NAH-NO-ONE-LIKES-YOU! STRATEGY, IT IS BECOMING OBVIOUSLY CLEAR THAT EVERYTHING CONDI RICE KNOWS SHE LEARNED IN KINDERGARDEN, TRULY EVERYTHING.  AND NOTHING BUT.  SO HELP HER, BULLY.
 
THE DAY STARTED OUT NICELY ENOUGH WITH CONDI IN THE MIDST OF SHARING HER LATEST STAB AT FREE VERSE:
 
 
BUT THE CROWD REFUSED TO INDULGE HER HOBBY OR HER EGO.  AS QUESTIONS WERE SHOUTED OUT TO HER, IT WAS AS THOUGH SHE WAS SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF HELEN THOMASES.
 
RESPONDING TO A QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT THOSE IN DC HAD LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE "MISTAKES OVER THE PAST THREE YEARS,"
CONDI SNAPPED BACK THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO UNLESS YOU WERE "BRAIN-DEAD."
 
REALIZING HER MISTAKE, CONDI GASPED,  "OH MY BULLY!" AND CROSSED HERSELF TWICE BUT WORD FROM DC WAS THAT BULLY BOY WAS NOT IN A FORGIVING MOMENT.
 
 
 
 
 

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

THIS JUST IN! SECRETARY OF STATE RICE TRIES NEW DIPLOMATIC STRATEGY

BULLY BOY PRESS - BERLIN.

Updated at 9:02 pm.

THIS JUST IN!

SECRETARY OF STATE RICE TRIES NEW DIPLOMATIC STRATEGY!

STATING THAT THE "INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY" WAS "UNITED" AGAINST IRAN'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM, CONDI RICE THEN PUT HER HANDS ON HER HIPS, LEANED IN, AND STUCK HER TONUGE OUT IN WHAT INTERNATIONAL OBSERVERS ARE CALLING THE NAH-NAH-NAH-NO-ONE-LIKES-YOU! STRATEGY.

"CONDI, TAKES IT TO THE PLAYGROUND," SAID 'DESERT FOX' MADELEINE ALBRIGHT ADMIRINGLY. "MY FATHER TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS."

"NOT TRUE," SAID RICE WRAPPING AN ARM AROUND ALBRIGHT. "MAD MADDY SPEAKS 7 LANGUAGES. I ONLY SPEAK 5. IT WAS MAD MADDY WHO TAUGHT ME THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY LANGUAGES YOU
SPEAK --"

"AS LONG AS YOU CAN LIE IN ALL OF THEM!" RICE AND ALBRIGHT FINISHED TOGETHER BEFORE BURSTING INTO GAILS OF LAUGHTER.

"WELL, I'VE GOT TO RUN," SAID MAD MADDY, WIPING AWAY TEARS OF JOY,
"I STILL NEED TO STOP BY THE UNITED NATIONS TO RANSACK SOME ANTIBIOTICS AND VACCINES. THIN OUT THE HERD! THIN OUT THE HERD!"

"I FEEL YOU!" SHOUTED CONDI AS MAD MADDY MOVED AT A PACE MUCH FASTER THAN ONE WOULD EXPECT FROM A WOMAN OF HER GIRTH.

"SHE'S GOOD PEOPLE," CONDI EXPLAINED. "SHE KEEPS IT REAL."



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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY FINDS NEW BLAME-GOAT!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY FINDS A NEW BLAME-GOAT!
 
AFTER HAVING SPENT HIS ENTIRE 1ST TERM BLAMING EVERYTHING FROM  9/11 TO THE PRICE OF STARBUCKS COFFEE ON THE LAST REAL ELECTED UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON, BULLY BOY HAS FOUND A NEW BLAME-GOAT FOR HIS 2ND TERM.
 
AND IT ONLY TOOK HIM 15 MONTHS AFTER BEGINNING HIS 2ND TERM TO DO IT!
 
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ONGOING VIOLENCE IN IRAQ?
 
 
IT WAS LEFT TO THE LAST REAL REPORTER IN DC,  HELEN THOMAS, TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN WAS CAPTURED ON DECEMBER 13, 2003 AND HAS BEEN HELD EVER SINCE.
 
CAUSING WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTTY MCCLELLEN TO STOP LICKING HIS PRIVATES LONG ENOUGH TO SNAP, "SO WHAT, HELEN?  SO WHAT?  WE'RE ALL KIND OF BUSY HERE!"
 
AT WHICH POINT, SCOTTY RETURNED TO LICKING HIS PRIVATES.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY PULLS BOLTEN SWITCH!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY PULLS BOLTEN SWITCH!
 
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF ANDREW CARD - GONE.  JOSHUA BOLTON IS THE NEW CHIEF OF STAFF.
 
WITH BULLY BOY'S POLL NUMBERS STUCK IN THE LOW NUMBERS, 37%, BULLY BOY HOPES THAT HE WILL BE ABLE TO MOVE THE ATTENTION AWAY FROM HIS OWN DISMAL PERFORMANCE AND ONTO A SHINY NEW LAP DOG.
 
 
WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTTY MCCLELLEN WHIMPERED, "ALL OF US SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE PRESIDENT."
 
OTHER PETS WEREN'T SO WHIPPED. 
 
"NOBODY'S DECLAWED ME!"  HISSED DONALD RUMSFELD.  "THEY START COMING OFF THE DON-MAN, I'LL SCRATCH THEIR EYES OUT."
 
 
 
 
 

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Monday, March 27, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY SWITCHES FOCUS!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY SWITCHES FOCUS!
 
"NO ONE SHOULD PLAY ON PEOPLE'S FEARS OR --" BULLY BOY BEGAN BEFORE BURSTING OUT INTO SOBS OF LAUGHTER. 
 
"SORRY, SORRY,"  HE SAID CATCHING HIS BREATH.  "I DON'T WRITE THIS STUFF, I JUST GET UP HERE AND READ IT."
 
 
BULLY BOY IS CALLING FOR "COMPREHENSIVE IMAGINATION REFORM."  LARGELY BECAUSE HE MEANT TO SAY "IMMIGRATION" AND NO ONE WANTED TO CORRECT HIM AFTER THE FACT.
 
SAID INTERNATIONAL BILLIE JEAN KING LOOK ALIKE WINNER ALBERTO GONZALES, WHO HOBBIES AS UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL,  "WELL WE ARE STUCK WITH IT NOW.  BUT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IMAGINATION IS JUST A HOP, SKIP AND RENDENTION AWAY FROM TERRORISM."
 
ALSO SOUNDING AN UPBEAT NOTE WAS ORIGINAL GANGSTER DICK CHENEY WHO, WHILE PROMOTING HIS NEW CD THE BULLIES AND THE TYRANTS ON TRL, DECLARED, "ABSOLUTELY WE NEED TO POLICE IMAGINATION.  THE CIA HAS LEARNED THAT SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF MASS IMAGINATION.  WEAPONS OF MASS IMAGINATION ARE A THREAT TO YOU AND TO ME.  IMAGINARY ANTHRAX CAN BE JUST AS DEADLY AS THE REAL THING.  AN IMAGINATION CAN BE DEADLY.  WORD TO THE FUHRER!  I'M OUTTA' HERE!
YOU MUTHAS!  WAR OUT!"
 
 
 
Recommended: "And the war drags on"
 
 
 
 

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