BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
THIS JUST IN!
FATTY DEPOSITS ON THE BOOTIE MAKE BULLY BOY BLUSH!
JUST YESTERDAY, BULLY BOY WAS GIDDY AT THE IDEA OF MEETING WITH IRAN. THEN THIS MORNING, EVERY THING CHANGED.
BULLY BOY WAS HEARD SNARLING, "WE'LL SEE WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS THE FIRM POSITION OF THEIR GOVERNMENT. IF THEY CONTINUE THEIR ABSTINENCE, IF THEY CONTINUE TO SAY TO THE WORLD 'WE REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR OPINION IS,' THEN THE WORLD IS GOING TO ACT IN CONCERT."
NOT EXACLY "I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING . . . IN PERFECT HARMONY."
WHAT HAD BULLY BOY SPITTING MAD? SO ANGRY HE USED "ABSTINENCE" IN PLACE OF "OBSTINANCE"?
A FORMER WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL, NOT SCOTTY MCCLELLAN, REVEALED THAT THE MORNING PRIOR TO THE SPEECH HAD BEEN SPENT IN FRONT OF A THREE-WAY-MIRROR WITH VARIOUS BATHING SUITS. BULLY BOY WAS PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN THE MICRO-BIKINI, THE STRING BIKININ AND THE BRAZILIAN BIKINI.
AFTER BEGGING AND PLEADING WITH SECRETARY OF STATE CONDI RICE FOR 30 MINUTES, SHE FINALLY SAID HE COULD TRY THEM ON.
GETTING INTO THE MOOD, ALBERTO GONZALES, WORLD CHAMPION IN THE BILLIE JEAN KING LOOK ALIKE CONTEST AND ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES, SAID, "HEY, I'LL TRY ON THE THE ONE WITH THE TRIANGLE TOP AND THE STRING SIDE BOTTOM. I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE, UNLIKE THE PRESS THAT I WILL CRUSH UNTIL THEY SPIT OUT EACH AND EVERY SOURCE THEY'VE EVER HAD AND BEG ME FOR MERCY BECAUSE I AM THE LORD AND THE AVENGER AND I WILL --"
NOTICING EVERYONE STARING AT HIM, ALBERTO SHRUGGED AND BEGAN SQUEEZING INTO HIS BIKINI.
TWIRLING AROUND, HE SEEMED QUITE PLEASED THOUGH HE DID WONDER IF IT CAME IN YELLOW?
BULLY BOY, ON THE OTHER HAND BURST INTO TEARS.
POINTING TO THE FATTY DEPOSITS ON BOTH OF HIS OWN CHEEKS (REAR CHEEKS), BULLY BOY SLAPPED THEM AND THEY DISAPPEARED INTO A FRENZY OF WAVES AND RIPPLES.
CONDI ATTEMPTED TO REASSURE HIM THAT THIS WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL BUT BULLY BOY POINTED OUT THAT ALBERTO DIDN'T HAVE THEM "AND HE'S A BIG BONED GUY."
CONDI'S ATTEMPTS TO CALM HIM DOWN WERE OF LITTLE HELP AS BULLY BOY WORKED HIMSELF INTO A TIZZY INSISTING HE WAS SO FAT THAT NO 1 WOULD EVER WANT HIM AND THERE WAS NO WAY HE WAS GOING TO THE BEACH THIS SUMMER, "NOT WITH ALL THAT JUNK IN MY TRUNK!"
"THAT'S WHY," THE SOURCE EXPLAINED, "HE USED 'FIRM' AND 'ABSTINENCE.' 'FIRM' BECAUSE HE CAN'T FORGET THE SIGHT OF ALBERTO IN THE BIKINI AND
'ABSTINENCE' BECAUSE HE'S GIVING UP SWEETS UNTIL HE CAN MAKE A DENT IN THOSE FATTY ROLLS. THERE'S EVEN TALK OF REPLACING DONALD RUMSFELD AS SECRETARY OF DEFENSE WITH JERROD FROM SUBWAY."
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