Monday, March 06, 2006

THIS JUST IN! CHENEY'S OSCAR NIGHT RAMPAGE!



BULLY BOY PRESS - UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

THIS JUST IN!

FOLLOWING LAST NIGHT'S INDUSTRY SNUB AND SHUT OUT AT THE OSCARS, FAILED WRITE IN CANDIDATE FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR DICK CHENEY SHOUTED OUT "THIS IS THE BIGGEST [BLEEP]ING FRAME UP SINCE WHISTLER'S MOTHER!" AS GEORGE CLOONEY CLAIMED THE AWARD FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY THEN STOOD AND ORDERED HIS POSSE, SCOOTS 'THE LEAK' LIBBY AND ARI 'THE WEASEL' FLEISCHER, TO WALK OUT WITH HIM.

OUTSIDE THE KODAK THEATER, VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY WAS STOPPED BY PATTY O'BRIEN WHO ASKED "WHO ARE YOU WEARING?"

"MY [BLEEP]ING BLING-BLING IS BY DI MODOLO, 18K WHITE GOLD, MY HAIR HAS BEEN STYLED WITH TIGI BED HEAD BY JOHN BLAINE FOR MS MANAGEMENT, MY FACE WAS MOISTURIZED WITH INTENSE REBUILDING MOISTURIZER AND A DAB OF GOOD OL' CHEVRON PETROL, I'M WEARING A GUCCI JACKET AND DIESEL JEANS. TAKE A GOOD LOOK BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST [BLEEP]ING TIME YOU'LL SEE ME IN HOLLY [BLEEP]ING WOOD. THEY KILLED THE DUKE, I'LL BE [BLEEP] [BLEEP]ED IF THEY DO ME IN TOO!" VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY SNARLED.

THIS MORNING HIS PUBLICIST, KEN SUNSHINE, TRIED TO PUT A ROSY SPIN ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT.

"AFTER THE HIGHS OF MAKING BROKEDOWN DEMOCRACY, VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY HAS DECIDED IT WOULD BE DIFFICULT TO TOP SUCH A MOMENT. INSTEAD HE WILL BE FOCUSING ON HIS MUSIC CAREER AND HIS HUMANITARIAN WORK SUCH AS DEPLOYING NUCLEAR WEAPONS AROUND THE WORLD AND EXPORTING CHAOS."

WHEN ASKED OF RUMORS THAT VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, WHILE APPARENTLY DRUNK, INJURED HEATH LEDGER AT AN AFTER-OSCARS PARTY BY PELTING THE ACTOR WITH SPIT BALLS, THE PUBLICIST RESPONDED, "MR. LEDGER CAME UP BEHIND MR. CHENEY. IT WAS INCUMBENT UPON MR. LEDGER TO ANNOUNCE HIMSELF. THE VICE PRESIDENT WAS NOT AIMING AT MR. LEDGER BUT AT WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS A ROGUE QUAIL."

WHEN ASKED IF MR. LEDGER HAD NOT BEEN TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL FOR TREATMENT, THE PUBLICIST RESPONDED, "MR. CHENEY PREFERS TO FOCUS ON HIS MUSIC. THE BULLIES AND THE TYRANTS NEW RELEASE 'ADMINISTRATION LYIN' ' IS ON THE LIPS AND TONGUES OF EVERY AMERICAN. MR. CHENEY IS QUITE PROUD OF THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT."

Related: "And The War Drags On"





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