Monday, May 08, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THE TONE IS RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

THIS JUST IN!

THE TONE IS RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

BULLY BOY INTRODUCED HIS BOY "MIKE."

BULLY BOY, WHO GETS GIDDY WHEN HE SPEAKS OF FRIENDS FORCED TO CALL HIM "PRESIDENT" (EVEN HIS FRIENDS HAVE TO BE FORCED TO USE THE TERM), INTRODUCED HIS PICK FOR DIRECTOR OF THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY: "MIKE."

SOME WONDERED IF BULLY BOY MIGHT HAVE MISTAKEN AIR FORCE GENERAL MICHAEL HAYDEN FOR ONE OF HIS ROLL DOGS?

NOT TRUE SAYS ONE INSIDE SOURCE, WHO IS NOT WHITE HOUSE LAPDOG SCOTTY MCCLELLAN, "ACTUALLY, OUR FEARLESS LEADER KEPT CONFUSING HAYDEN WITH THE FATHER FROM DIFF'RENT STROKES. HE KEPT WANTING TO CALL THE GENERAL 'MR. DRUMMOND.'"

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?

"HE PROMISED TO CHANGE THE TONE IN D.C. AND HE HAS," THE INSIDE SOURCE SAYS. "IT'S NOW A RED LIGHT DISTRICT."

WHICH MAY EXPLAIN THE FBI'S INVESTIGATION OF "DUSTY" FOR ALLEGED INVOLVEMENT IN A CONGRESSIONAL SCANDAL THAT APPEARS TO BE BECOMING A PROSTITUTION SCANDAL. "DUSTY" IS BETTER KNOWN AS THE SOON TO BE FORMER CIA EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR KYLE FOGGO.

SAID SOURCE, "OH GREAT! THINGS GO FREAKY JUST WHEN IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET BACK TO TEXAS! I MISS ALL THE FREAKY FUN!"


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Friday, May 05, 2006

THIS JUST IN! WHICH RAT WILL BE THE LAST TO LEAVE?

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

THIS JUST IN!

WHICH RAT WILL BE THE LAST TO LEAVE?


PORTER GOSS, CIA DIRECTOR, BECOMES THE LATEST CHEESE EATER TO JUMP SHIP. OR WAS HE PUSHED?


WAGS ARE WHISPERING THAT NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE DIRECTOR JOHN NEGROPONTE SPOKE WITH GOSS ABOUT THE "POSSIBILITY" OF GOSS STEPPING DOWN. DID NEGROPONTE THREATEN TO HAVE SOME OF HIS HONDURAN BUDDIES HELP GOSS MAKE THE DECISION?


SOME ARE POINTING OUT SIMILARITIES TO THE SUMMER OF 2001 WHEN THE FBI WAS WITHOUT LEADERSHIP. OTHERS ARE WONDERING WHERE THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF "SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY" IS?



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Thursday, May 04, 2006

THIS JUST IN! AIN'T EASY TO IMPRESS ALBERTO GONZALES!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
AIN'T EASY TO IMPRESS ALBERTO GONZALES.
 
 
ATTORNEY GENERAL AND BOTH NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL WINNER IN THE BILLIE JEAN KING LOOK ALIKE CONTEST.SHOCKED MANY WITH WHAT SOME ARE CALLING HIS "CATTY" REMARK.
 
AN INSIDE WHITE HOUSE SOURCE, WHO IS NOT SCOTTY MCCLELLAN AND WANTS TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE THINKS IT IS SCOTTY MCCLELLAN, SAYS THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS BEEN MIFFED SINCE HIS ATTEMPTED MADONNA UP FAILED TO GET ATTENTION.
 
"YOU GOTTA' UNDERSTAND," SAID THE SOURCE, "WHEN J-ASS RULED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, THE NATION TREMBLED.  IT WAS 'JOHN ASHCROFT THIS' AND 'JOHN ASHCROFT THAT' BUT NOW?  IT'S LIKE 'AW, IT'S JUST LITTLE ALBIE, WHO CARES?' "
 

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

THIS JUST IN! DOES CONDI HEAR BELLS?

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
DOES CONDI HEAR BELLS?
 
WHILE DICK CHENEY GEARS UP FOR HIS 'FREEDOM' TOUR (FULL TITLE: FREEDOM TO TORTURE! AS CROOKED AS I WANNA BE!) AND BULLY BOY ANTICIPATES HIS FLORIDA TRIP NEXT WEEK WHERE HE WILL PROMISE
EACH SENIOR WHO SIGNS UP TO HIS NEW MEDICARE PLAN 3 FREE CDS WITH THE AGREEMENT THAT THEY PURCHASE 92 MORE AT REGULAR COST OVER THE NEXT 3 YEARS, WHO'S WATCHING CONDI?
 
WAGS ARE WAGGING THAT CONDI RICE HAS FINALLY FOUND A MAN SHE HAS SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH.
 
WHO'S THE LUCKY JOE?
 
TEODORO OBIANG NGUEMA, THE PRESIDENT OF EQUATORIAL GUINEAN. 
 
NO-ONE-COULD-HAVE-GUESSED-CONDI, AS FRIENDS CALL HER, IS AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE TO FIND HERSELF IN LOVE WITH TEODORO.
 
 
"WE'RE LIKE BRAD AND ANGELINA," SHE REPORTEDLY TOLD ONE FRIEND.
"WE JUST FIT.  HE GETS ME.  REALLY GETS ME.  YOU KNOW HE'S SAID ON STATE RADIO THAT HE'S GOD.  THAT REALLY TURNS ME ON IN A MAN!  WHILE MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN HIS COUNTRY LIVE ON LESS THAN A DOLLAR DAY, HE'S WORTH OVER $300 MILLION!  IT'S NOT THE MONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND, JUST THE CRUELTY FACTOR INVOLVED.  THAT'S WHAT EXCITES ME."
 
DETERMINED TO KEEP TEODORO AWAY FROM SPURNED SUITER MARK THATCHER, CONDI'S KEEPING FRIENDS' AT ARMS LENGTH. 
 
"SHE GOT TIRED OF SHARING,"  A FRIEND WHO IS NOT NAMED SCOTTY MCCLELLAN EXPLAINED. 
 
 
CONDI'S BEEN OBSERVED TEACHING HIM TO SAY "YA'LL" AND "HOWDY."  REPORTEDLY SHE'S GROOMING HIM TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR OF TEXAS "AND THEN THE WORLD!" 
 
 
 
 
 

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY LAGGING!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
THIS JUST IN!
BULLY BOY LAGGING.
AS OVER 1.5 MILLION AND MAYBE AS MANY AS 2 MILLION (OR MORE) TOOK PART IN THE IMMIGRATION DEMONSTRATIONS, RALLIES AND BOYCOTTS YESTERDAY, BULLY BOY'S BEEN HAVING TROUBLE GETTING THAT RUMORED "MOJO" BACK.
FIRST THERE WAS THE SLAP IN THE FACE FROM CONDI RICE AND THE STATE DEPARTMENT AFTER BULLY BOY MANGLED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHILE SUGGESTING THAT IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU MIGHT NEED TO FIND ANOTHER COUNTRY OR ELSE STAY SILENT. TURNS OUT THE STATE DEPARTMENT FEATURES FOREIGN LANGUAGE AUDIO FILES ON ITS OFFICIAL WEBSITE.
NOW COMES NEWS THAT BULLY BOY'S STATEMENT LAST WEEK OPPOSING BOYCOTTS ALSO HAD NO LEGS.
TO TOM BROKAW, BULLY BOY SAID, "I MEAN, THE DIXIE CHICKS ARE FREE TO SPEAK THEIR MIND. THEY CAN SAY WHAT THEY WANT TO SAY. AND JUST BECAUSE -- THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE THEIR FEELINGS HURT JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BUY THEIR RECORDS WHEN THEY SPEAK OUT."
WHEN CONFRONTED WITH BULLY BOY'S STATEMENTS FROM APRIL 24, 2003, STATEMENTS THAT DO NOT SAY "THE DIXIE CHICKS SHOULD NOT BE BOYCOTTED!", WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG SCOTTY MCCLELLAN LOOKED A LITTLE SAD. THEN HE PERKED UP AND SAID, "THE BULLY BOY DID NOT SAY HE WAS AGAINST 'BOYCOTTS.' HE SAID HE WAS AGAINST 'BOY CROTCHES.' ANYONE WHO HAS OBSERVED HIS EAR HAIRS KNOWS THAT 'MAN SCAPING' IS NOT SOMETHING OUR BULLY BOY TAKES PART IN."
"SO YOU ARE SAYING THE BULLY BOY IS AGAINST BOY CROTCHES!"
"YES," REPLIED SCOTT MCCLELLAN.
IMMEDIATELY CRIES RANG UP FROM THE DC PRESS CORP WHO APPEARED TO WAKE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SIX YEARS.
"WHAT ARE THE BOYS' NAMES!"
"HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN AGAINST BOY CROTCHES!"
"DOES HE HAVE SLEEP OVERS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON!"
"SEX SCANDAL!" CHORTLED LISA MYERS. "HOT DAMN! DC'S FINALLY COME BACK TO LIFE!"


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Monday, May 01, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY TIMES 2 STILL NOT FUNNY!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
 
LAST NIGHT IN DC AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' ASSOCIATION, BULLY BOY BROUGHT ON A BUDDY, ONE STEVE BRIDGES WHO IMPERSONATES THE BULLY BOY.
 
AS THE TWO ATTEMPTED TO YUCK IT UP WITH BAD JOKES CONSIDERING THAT HE IS BULLY BOY OF THE UNITED STATES AND THAT DICK CHENEY IS HIS RIGHT HAND MAN/COACH/MENTOR/WET NURSE.  (TOPICS INCLUDED DICK CHENEY SHOOTING A MAN.)  MOST WERE LEFT TO WONDER WHY BULLY BOY ELECTED TO UTILIZE THIS MOMENT TO DEMONSTRATE THAT, AS IN ANY THIRD WORLD REGIME, HE MUST EMPLOY PHYSICAL IMPERSONATERS.
 
"PEOPLE LAUGHED AT SADDAM HUSSEIN FOR HIS ARMY OF HUSSEIN A-LIKES," ADMITTED ONE WAG.  "IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE THAT BULLY BOY WOULD WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT HERE, IN THE UNITED STATES, WE HAVE TO EMPLOY THE SAME DEVICE."
 
SOME FELT IT WAS A DESPERATION MOVE RESULTING FROM THE STONEY SILENCE THAT GREETED HIS ATTEMPT AT A JOKE WEDNESDAY WHEN HE INTRODUCED THE WORLD TO HIS LATEST HOUSE PET, TONY SNOW.
 
GRINNING WIDELY, AND EYES DANCING IN ANTICIPATION, BULLY BOY DECLARED, "FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE READ HIS COLUMNS AND LISTENED TO HIS RADIO SHOW, HE SOMETIMES HAS DISAGREED WITH ME.  I ASKED HIM ABOUT THOSE COMMENTS, AND HE SAID, 'YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE OTHER GUY.' " 
 
AT WHICH POINT, BULLY BOY LOOKED AROUND FOR A LAUGH THAT NEVER CAME BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PLAY OFF THIS VERY PUBLIC HUMILIATION OF PRESS LAP DOGS REFUSING TO LAP UP HIS SOP.
 
DID THIS LEAD TO SUNDAY'S NIGHT EMBARRASSING PERFORMANCE?
 
NO ONE CAN BE SURE BUT THIS MORNING, ON THE THIRD ANNIVERSARY OF HIS INFAMOUS ANNOUNCEMENT THAT MAJOR COMBAT OPERATIONS HAD ENDED IN IRAQ IN FRONT OF A BANNER THAT READ "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED," BULLY BOY WAS BACK TO 'JOSHING' AS HE EXPRESSED HIS FIRM CONFIDENCE IN THE CURRENT IRAQI LEADERSHIP INSTALLED AND HAND PICKED BY THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.
 
 
 
 

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Saturday, April 29, 2006

THIS JUST ! TRANSLATIONS FRIGHTEN THE BULLY BOY

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
TRANSLATIONS FRIGHTEN THE BULLY BOY!
 
POSSIBLY EXPLAINING THE FAILURES OF THE FBI TRANSLATION DEPARTMENT, BULLY BOY DECLARED HIMSELF FRIDAY AS AGAINST THE SINGING OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IN SPANISH.
 
WHEN ASKED WHY, BULLY BOY REPLIED, "PEOPLE GOT TOO MUCH . . . TOO MUCH UNDERSTANDINGS.  WE GOT TOO MUCH UNDERSTANDINGS GOING ON.  WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO MISCOMMUNICATE.  TOO MUCH UNDERSTANDINGS.  WE LET THIS ONE SLIDE BY AND PRETTY SOON 'SWEET HOME ALABAMA' BECOMES 'SWEET CASA JUAREZ.'  WHERE DOES IT END?  IT'S LIKE WHEN I GO TO TACO BELL.  I WON'T ORDER A 'BURRITO.'  I ASK FOR THE 'WRAP AROUND.'  IT'S ABOUT BEING AMERICAN.  OR LIKE WHEN I DRINK A
. . . WHEN I USED TO DRINK.  I WON'T ORDER A 'MARGARITA.'  I ASK FOR, I ASKED FOR A SLURPEE WITH ALCOHOL.  IT'S ABOUT SAVING THE CULTURE.  THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT UPON SAVING CULTURE. THAT'S WHY WE STOOD UP TO THE INJUNS.  IMAGINE IF WE HADN'T DONE THAT.  WE'D ALL BE SPEAKING LAKOTANEESE RIGHT NOW."
 
BULLY BOY ALSO SPOKE OUT AGAINST THE MAY 1ST BOYCOTTS AND WORK STOPPAGE. 
 
"IF PEOPLE STOP WORKING FOR A DAY," HE EXPLAINED, "WE MIGHT HAVE LESS CARS ON THE ROAD.  THAT COULD CREATE AN ENERGY CRISIS.  I'M DEALING WITH GLOBAL WARMING BY REDUCING THE EMISSIONS LAWS.  PEOPLE NEED TO DEAL WITH THE RISING PRICE OF GAS BY GOING ABOUT THEIR DAILY BUSINESS IN AS MANY CARS AS POSSIBLE.  GET ON THE ROAD, DRIVE TO WORK.  DRIVE FROM WORK.  DRIVE AROUND YOUR CITY.  USE THE GAS.  THAT'S HOW WE CONFRONT AN ENERGY CRISIS.  ME AND DICK [CHENEY] ARE SERIOUSLY DISCUSSING USING NUKES ON PEOPLE WHO RIDE BUSES.  IF WE DON'T CONFRONT THE ENEMY IN FRONT OF US, HE MIGHT SNEAK UP BEHIND US.  DICK SAYS THEY GIVE WEDGIES AND WET WILLIES AND I AM THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD SO I'LL BE DADGUMMED IF ANY ONE'S GOING TO DO THAT TO ME.  THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.  GOD BLESS AMERICA.  VOTE FOR ME IN 2006.  GOD BLESS YOU."
 
WHEN NEW WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG TONY SNOW WAS ASKED ABOUT THE "VOTE FOR ME IN 2006" COMMENT, HE REPLIED, "THE BULLY BOY IS ALWAYS RUNNING.  HE IS A MAN OF ACTION.  HE NEVER STOPS."
 
WHEN PRODDED FURTHER, WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG SNOW REFUSED TO CONCEED THAT THE BULLY BOY HAD MISPOKEN. 
 
"OUR LEADER DOES NOT MISSPEAK," INSISTED SNOW.  "THE PEOPLE MAY MISHEAR, BUT BULLY BOY NEVER MISSPEAKS.  IN FACT IT IS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TO BLAME FOR US BEING IN IRAQ.  THEY MISHEARD.  THE BULLY BOY DID NOT MISPEAK."
 
SOME WAGS ARE LABELING IT: "FOX COMES TO THE WHITE HOUSE."
 
 

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Thursday, April 27, 2006

THIS JUST IN! "BROKEBACK EACH OTHER'S MOUNTAINS!" SCREAMS SNOW

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
"BROKEBACK EACH OTHER'S MOUNTAINS!" SCREAMS SNOW.
 
FOLLOWING YESTERDAY'S NEWS THAT BULLY BOY HAD TAPPED IT, TONY SNOW -- SOON TO BE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND CUDDLY PET --
ATTEMPTED TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT HE IS NOT JUST A BULLY BOY BEEOCH. 
 
DESPITE THIS, PROFESSIONAL MATCHMAKER AND YENTA, BILLY KRISTOL PRONOUNCED THE NEW RELATIONSHIP AS "HEALTHY."  KRISTOL WENT ON TO DESCRIBE TONY SNOW AS "A HAPPY GO-LUCKY GUY" BUT REFUSED ANY FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS ATTEMPTING TO DETERMINE IF HE WAS SPEAKING "IN CODE."
 
WHEN ASKED WHAT SORT OF RELATIONSHIP HE WAS STRIVING FOR, TONY SNOW REMINDED REPORTERS OF HIS COLUMN WHERE HE USED THE WORD "SIR" TO ADDRESS THE BULLY BOY.  CLEARLY SNOW IS HOPING TO BE THE MARCI TO BULLY BOY'S PEPPERMINT PATTI.  WHILE CONDI RICE'S HAIR CLEARLY MAKES HER LUCY, THE CASTING OF LINUS IS STILL UP IN THE AIR.  DEVELOPING.
 
 
 

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY TAPS IT!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY TAPS IT!
 
"HE WILL BRING A LOT . . .," SOON TO BE FORMER WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG SCOTTY MCCLELLAN BEGAN BEFORE BREAKING INTO SOBS AT THE THOUGHT OF BEING REPLACED IN BULLY BOY'S HEART BY TV PERSONALITY TONY SNOW WHO BULLY BOY HAS TAPPED TO FILL SCOTTY'S CHAIN-LINK COLLAR.
 
WHILE THIS ROUND OF AMERICAN IDOLATRY PLAYED OUT WITH ALL THE SNAP OF A CLAY AIKEN SONG, BULLY BOY COULD BE SEEN GLOATING WITH TV PERSONALITY TONY SNOW. 
 
"HIS ONLY REAL AMBITION," CONFESSED 1 CLOSE FRIEND, "WAS TO BE CENTER SQUARE ON THE HOLLYWOOD SQAURES.  THEN BULLY BOY TAPPED IT AND NOW THAT'S ALL TONY CAN THINK ABOUT IT."
 
"WHICH MUST BE WHY," OFFERED SOMEONE WHO ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS BUT SOMEONE WHO IS NOT SCOTT MCCLELLAN, "HE USES THOSE CHEAP CREST STRIPTS FOR HIS FRONT TEETH ONLY."
 
WHILE IT IS TRUE THAT TONY SNOW'S TEETH ARE FAR MORE YELLOW ON THE SIDE, BULLY BOY PRESS HAS BEEN UNABLE TO CONFIRM WHETHER OR NOT SNOW USES CREST-STRIPS.
 
BULLY BOY WAS SEEN STRUTTING THROUGH THE WHITE HOUSE, BACK SLAPPING, AND HOLLERING, "HOOO-WEEE! TAPPED IT!"
 
 
 
 
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM DANNY SCHECHTER:
 
SCHEDULE
Thanks for tuning in. I will be speaking in Boston at Emerson College on Friday at 7 PM. The film The Jihadi and the Journalist which I worked on opens at the Tribeca Film Festival on the 27th, and South African Broadcasting’s SABC 1 airs on April 26th on SABC 1 at 9 PM. Amandla!
 
 
 

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THE DEALER IN CHIEF

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

THIS JUST IN!

THE DEALER IN CHIEF!

TODAY, AT THE RENEWABLE FUELS ASSOCIATION, BULLY BOY SAID, "OUR ADDICTION TO OIL IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS."

THEREFORE, BULLY BOY WILL BE LOWERING ENVIRONMENTAL GUIDELINES BECAUSE "EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS."

SAME THING THE DEALER ON THE CORNER OUTSIDE THE MIDDLE SCHOOL SAYS.



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Monday, April 24, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY NEEDS HELP COUNTING!

BULLY BOY PRESS - IRVINE, CA.

THIS JUST IN!

BULLY BOY NEEDS HELP COUNTING!

SPEAKING IN IRVINE, CALIFORNIA TODAY, BULLY BOY, THE OFFICIAL BULLY BOY OF THE UNITED STATES, ATTEMPTED TO GRAB A LITTLE OF THE IMMIGRATION HEADLINES TO SPIN PEOPLE'S ATTENTION FROM IRAQ.

WHEN THAT DID NOT WORK, BULLY BOY STATED THAT ON THE LARGER ISSUES, HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN, BUT MAYBE THERE WERE SOME MISSTEPS ALONG THE WAY.

MISSTEPS?

MAYBE 2389 MISSTEPS?

HAVING LOST IN THE POLLS, SPECULATIONS ABOUND ABOUT THE BULLY BOY. ONE IS "WHAT HAPPENS NOW THAT HE IS CORNERED?" THE OTHER IS "HAS HE LOST IT?"

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Friday, April 21, 2006

THIS JUST IN! FREE SPEECH DIED TODAY!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
FREE SPEECH DIED TODAY!
 
THURSDAY, AT A JOINT APPEARANCE BY BULLY BOY AND UP AND COMING BULLY BOY WANNA' BE HU JINTAO, A WOMAN
 
WANG WENYI WAS CHARGED TODAY FOR THE CRIME OF HECKLING.  AMONG THE OFFICIAL MISDEMEANOR CHARGES LODGED AGAINST WENYI ARE "WILLFULLY INTIMIDATING, COERCING THREATENING AND HARRASSING A FOREIGN OFFICIAL."
 
INTERNATIONAL BILLIE JEAN KING LOOKALIKE WINNER AND ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES IS REPORTED TO HAVE DECLARED,  "FREE SPEECH ONLY BELONGS TO THE GOVERNMENT!  DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO THE SUPREME COURT CASE ON RECRUITERS!"
 
TERRORISM BY HECKLES IS EXPECTED TO BE ENFORCED AT ALL APPEARANCES BY THE ADMINISTRATION AS WELL AS IN SOME OF THE SEEDIER LOUNGES IN LAS VEGAS.
 
JACKIE MASON WAS REPORTED TO HAVE SHOUTED, "ABOUT DAMN TIME!"
 
WITH HECKLING NOW ON THE LIST OF TERRORISM CRIMES, LEGAL EXPERTS EXPECT IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE PARODY, SATIRE AND KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES ARE ALSO BANNED.
 
AT A PLAYGROUND NEAR FOGGY BOTTOM TODAY, ATF AGENTS COULD BE SEEN OBSERVING THE KIDS AND ISSUING STERN LOOKS TO ANY CHILD WHO DARED TO SAY "KNOCK-KNOCK."
 
THE CHILLING INTIMIDATION LED TO NO RESPONSES OF "WHO'S THERE?" 
 
AS THE KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE GOES, SO GOES AMERICA.
 

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

THIS JUST IN! ALBERTO GONZALES IN THE MIDST OF MADONNA UP!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
ALBERTO GONZALES IN THE MIDST OF MADONNA UP!
 
ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES AND NATIONAL, AS WELL AS INTERNATIONAL, WINNER IN THE BILLIE JEAN KING LOOKALIKE CONTEST ALBERTO GONZALES FEELS A LITTLE NEGLETED WITH ALL THE ATTENTION ON SECRETARY OF DEFENSE DONALD RUMSFELD AND THE EVICTED WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG SCOTTY.
 
AS A RESULT, GONZALES HAS SET OUT ON A SHAMELESS ATTEMPT TO SELF-PROMOTE HIMSELF WITH A ZEAL THAT HAS NOT BEEN SINCE MADONNA GOT ALL FREAKY ON BOOKS, SONG AND FILM.
 
SPEAKING TODAY PUBLICLY, ALBERTO GONZALES DECLARED, "I HAVE SEEN PICTURES OF OLDER MEN FORCING NAKED YOUNG GIRLS TO HAVE ANAL SEX."
 
THOUGH THE NEW REVEALED POTTY MOUTH ON THE ATTORNEY GENERAL MAY GARNER HIM SOME ATTENTION MANY WONDER A) WHAT THE AG IS DOING SPEAKING IN THAT MANNER AND B) IF HE REALLY SHOULD BE SHARING WHAT HE LOOKS AT ONLINE?
 
THE SELF-PROMOTION IS INTENDED TO RAISE HIS OWN PROFILE, HENCE IT'S CODENAME "MADONNA UP," AND ALSO TO TAKE HEAT OFF DONALD RUMSFELD. 
 
SAID PROFESSIONAL CREEP JERRY FALWELL, "I LIKE IT.  I LIKE IT A LOT.  EVER SINCE MADONNA STARTED POPPING OUT BABIES, THERE'S NOT BEEN A LOT OF ME TO GET WORKED UP OVER."
 
 
 

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY CUTS THE WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG LOOSE!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY CUTS THE WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG LOOSE!
 
NO NOT BARNEY! 
 
THE OFFICIAL LAP DOG, SCOTTY MCCLELLAN.
 
SCOTTY'S BEEN IN TROUBLE FOR SOME TIME AND BEEN SNAPPISH AS A RESULT.  THERE WAS THE ARM WRESTLING WITH CONDI TO SEE TO SEE WHO GOT TO KEEP THE FIRST CODPIECE.  THERE WAS THAT DRUNKEN WOMAN WHO KEPT SHOWING UP TO HECKLE THE BULLY BOY.  BUT IF SCOTTY'S FATE WAS SEALED IT CAME WHEN BULLY BOY WENT TO CANADA AND MET SCOTT REID.
 
"WELL YOU GOT A PRETTY FACE," BULLY BOY TOLD REID GIVING HIM THE SLOW ONCE OVER.  "YOU GOT A PRETTY FACE.  YOU'RE A GOOD LOOKING GUY.  BETTER LOOKING THAN MY SCOTT ANYWAY."
 
PRETTIER AND YOUNGER, MOST IMPORTANTLY, THINNER.  BULLY BOY DON'T LIKE A FAT BOY.
 
SINCE THAT DAY, BULLY BOY'S BEEN SINGING HIS OWN VERSION OF JAMES TAYLOR'S "MONA:"
 
SCOTTY, SCOTTY
SO MUCH OF YOU TO LOVE
TOO MUCH OF YOU TAKE CARE OF
SCOTTY, SCOTTY
YOU GOT TOO BIG TO KEEP
AND TOO DAMN OLD TO EAT
 
 
SCOTTY LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY, TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS, WHIMPERING, "ALL OF US SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE PRESIDENT."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

THIS JUST IN! RUMSFELD NEW CAREER MOVE!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
THIS JUST IN!
RUMSFELD'S NEW CAREER MOVE!
WITH ALL THE ATTENTION ON JULIA ROBERTS AND HER UPCOMING BROADWAY DEBUT, LITTLE ATTENTION IS BEING PAID TO SECRETARY OF DEFENSE DONALD RUMSFELD'S BRAVO PERFORMANCE.
IN ADDITION TO HIS DEFENSE DUTIES AS WELL AS SQUINTING, DONALD RUMSFELD HAS TAKEN ON THE ROLE OF EFFIE WHITE.
AS HE GEARS UP FOR HIS OWN BROADWAY DEBUT (DATE STILL UNANNOUNCED AS HE CONTINUES OUT OF TOWN TRY OUTS), DONALD CAN BE HEARD SINGING HIS SIGNATURE TUNE: "AND I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT GOING."
DAY AFTER DAY, RUMSFELD CAN BE FOUND ALL OVER DC SINGING THE SAME TUNE AS HE GEARS UP FOR HIS ROLE AS EFFIE WHITE IN THE REVIVAL OF DREAMGIRLS.

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Monday, April 17, 2006

THIS JUST IN! VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY IS FURIOUS!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
THIS JUST IN!
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY IS FURIOUS!
"HOLLWOOD MAY HAVE ROBBED ME OF MY G*****N, F*****G OSCAR, BUT I'LL BE G*****N IF I'LL SHARE MY TUNE-TIME WITH THAT LITTLE MUTHA F****R!" NOTORIUS DICK WAS HEARD TO HOLLA.
DESPITE HIS OSCAR NOMINATION AND THE FACT THAT THE FILM WILL BE PLAYING SOON IN IRAN, BROKEDOWN DEMOCRACY BROUGHT NOTORIUS DICK NO NEW FILM OFFERS -- AND BEING 1/4 OF THE BULLIES AND THE TYRANTS ISN'T THE SAME AS BEING A SOLO ACT.
"HE'S JEALOUS," EXPLAINED DICKIE MYERS. "HE'S JUST JEALOUS. HE WON'T EVEN LET ME RECORD UNDER THE NAME 'DICK' SO I HAVE TO USE 'DICKIE."
MYERS, THE FORMER JOINT CHIEFS CHAIRMAN, IS NOW BARNSTORMING THE CHAT & CHEWS, SINGING A SONG HE HOPES IS A HUGE HIT.
EXPLAINING THAT IT WAS "INAPPROPRIATE" FOR EX GENERALS TO CRITICIZE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE DONALD RUMSFELD, DICKIE MYERS SMILED INTO THE CAMERA AND STATED, "THIS ONES IS FOR YOU DONNIE!"
AS THE CAMERA PULLED BACK, DICKIE STOOD BEHIND A FENDER COMTEMPO ORGAN WHICH HE BEGAN POUNDING ON. AS STROBE LIGHTS FLASHED AND SMOKE EFFECTS WAFTED, THREE WOMEN CAME OUT ON STAGE TO DANCE BEHIND HIM WHILE HE SANG:
Don't say nothin' bad about my baby
Oh, no
Don't say nothin' bad about my baby
I love him so
Don't say nothin' bad about my baby
Oh, don't you know
Don't say nothin' bad about my baby
He's good (he's good), he's good to me (good to me)
That's all I care about
Oh, no
AS DICKIE COMPLETED THE GERRY GOFFIN & CAROL KING CLASSIC, GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS WALKED ON TO THE STAGE TO SHAKE DICKIE'S HAND AND EXPLAIN THAT DICKIE WOULD LIKE TO STAY LONGER BUT HAD TO RUSH TO THE NEXT STOP ON HIS TOUR.
"NO GRAVITAS," SNARLED ORIGINAL THUGSTER DICK CHENEY. "THE GUYS DON'T LIKE HIM, THE DOLLS KNOW THEY CAN BEAT HIM UP. I CAN EAT, CHEW UP AND THEN CRAP OUT THESE FRANKIE AVALON TYPES IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES. GOTTA ROUGH NECK UP! YOU FEEL ME, YOU FEEL ME? HOLLA!"
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Friday, April 14, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THEY'RE LOSING IT IN DC!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC
THIS JUST IN!
THEY'RE LOSING IT IN DC!
BULLY BOY HAS MADE A FANATICAL CLAIM THAT HAS SOME WORRIED ABOUT THE SANITY LEVEL IN THE OVAL OFFICE. BULLY BOY HAS STATED THAT HARRY REID, THE SENATE'S MINORITY LEADER, IS "SINGLE-HANDEDLY THWARTING" HIS ATTEMPTS TO CRIMINALIZE UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS. THOSE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THE SANITY LEVEL OF THE BULLY BOY MERELY CHUCKLE AT THE THOUGHT OF SUPER BENDY "THWARTING" ANYTHING.
IN OTHER NEWS OF THE ADMINISTRATION'S SINKING SHIP, LAURA BUSH HAS HIT THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO . . . WELL NO ONE REALLY KNOWS. JUST ANOTHER CASE OF SEND IN THE FEMBOT!

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY GOT SOME HARD LEARNING DISABILITIES!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
THIS JUST IN!
BULLY BOY GOT SOME HARD LEARNING DISABILITIES!
WHITE HOUSE LAP DOG SCOTTY MCCLELLAN DECLARED TODAY, "THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOT AN INTELLIGENCE-GATHERING AGENCY."
ON MAY 29, 2003, BULLY BOY STATED, "WE HAVE FOUND THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION."
THAT WAS NOT TRUE.
TWO DAYS PRIOR TO THAT ANNOUNCEMENT, A PENTAGON TEAM HAD CONCLUDED THIS WAS NOT TRUE. THE REPORT WAS SENT BACK TO THE BULLY BOY. HOWEVER, IT DID NOT CONTAIN ILLUSTRATIONS.
"ARE THERE ANY GOATS IN THIS?" BULLY BOY ASKED AT THE TIME WHEN THE REPORT WAS HANDED TO HIM. "I LIKE PET GOATS. AND TURTLES. DICK LOOKS LIKE A TURTLE. HE LOOKS LIKE A SNAPPING TURTLE. HE'S AWAYS READY TO BARK. MAYBE HE'S A DOG? I LIKE DOGS. ESPECIALLY LITTLE DOGS THAT I CAN CARRY AROUND LIKE A CLUTCH PURSE. MAMA DID NOT LIKE IT WHEN I DRESSED UP LIKE HER WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID. 'GEORGE! GET OUT OF MY SHOES! GEORGE PUT MY BRA BACK IN THE DRAWER!' IT WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH HER. WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SAY 'BRA' AND SOME PEOPLE SAY 'BRO'? YOU EVER WONDER THAT? OR LIKE WHAT ABOUT THE WAY THE WALLS ARE MOVING RIGHT NOW. PRETTY COOL, HUH?"
SPOKESPERSON AND LAP DOG SCOTTY ASSURED THE PRESS THAT BULLY BOY WAS NOT ON DRUGS BUT JUST HAD A HIGHLY "INQUISITIVE NATURE."

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

THIS JUST IN! IT TAKES A VILLAGE OF CREEPS!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
IT TAKES A VILLAGE OF CREEPS!
 
WHILE ALL FINGERS CONTINUE TO POINT TO BULLY BOY AS THE LEAKER IN THE CHIEF IN THE OUTING OF VALERIE PLAME, PEOPLE ARE BEGINNING TO NOTE THE BULLY BOY POSSE.
 
CHIEF AMONG THOSE GETTING ATTENTION IS JAMES TOBIN WHO IS KNOWN NOT JUST AS BULLY BOY'S "CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN FOR THE NEW ENGLAND REGION IN 2004" BUT ALSO ONE OF THREE CONVICTED IN THE PLAN TO JAME DEMOCRATIC PHONE LINES DURING THE 2002 ELECTION. 
 
BUT BULLY BOY REMINDED THAT THERE WAS ROOM IN THE CORRUPTION BIG TENT FOR ALL.  LIKE BRIAN J. DOYLE THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY DEPUTY PRESS SECRETARY WHO WAS ARRESTED LAST WEEK AND "CHARGED WITH SEVEN COUNTS OF USE OF A COMPUTER TO SEDUCE A CHILD, AND 16 COUNTS OF TRANSMISSION OF HARMFUL MATERIAL TO A MINOR."
 
OR CLAUDE ALLEN WHO APPARENTLY HAD HIS OWN VERSION OF THE BAIT & SWITCH GOING ON.
 
AND, OF COURSE, THE ONE AND ONLY SCOOTS LIBBY.
 
BULLY BOY WAS HEARD TO REMARK,  "IF I END UP IN PRISON, I'LL HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS THERE.  WHERE'S KENNY BOY?"
 
 

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Monday, April 10, 2006

THIS JUST IN! THE BIG DRIP BECOMES THE BIG LEAK!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN! 
 
THE BIG DRIP BECOMES THE BIG LEAK!
 
 
 
 
THROUGHT THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA AND THE HALLS OF CONGRESS TONGUES WON'T STOP WAGGING OVER THE REVELATIONS OF SCOOTER LIBBY BEING AUTHORIZED BY THE WHITE HOUSE TO LEAK.
 
SOME CALL HIM THE "LEAKER IN CHIEF"  WHILE SOME CALL HIM UNPRINTABLES.  SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER CALLS ON HIM TO EXPLAIN THE LEAK.
 
NOT SINCE THE DOG WET ON THE SANDWICHES AUNT EDNA ATE IN THE MOVIE VACATION HAS A LEAK GOTTEN SO MUCH ATTENTION.
 
NO CONFIRMATION YET ON WHETHER OR NOT DONALD RUMSFELD HAS REALLY CALLED BULLY BOY A "BED WETTER."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY SAYS "DO AS I COMMAND NOT AS I DO."

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.

THIS JUST IN!

BULLY BOY SAYS "DO AS I COMMAND NOT AS I DO."

HAVING COMPLAINED ABOUT LEAKS REPEATEDLY, DC IS A BUZZ TO LEARN THAT SCOOTS LIBBY WAS AUTHORIZED TO LEAK BY THE BULLY BOY.

BULLY BOY ON LEAKS, SEPTEMBER 2003:

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. Let me just say something about leaks in Washington. There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. There's leaks at the executive branch; there's leaks in the legislative branch. There's just too many leaks. And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.

AND:

THE PRESIDENT: Listen, I know of nobody -- I don't know of anybody in my administration who leaked classified information. If somebody did leak classified information, I'd like to know it, and we'll take the appropriate action. And this investigation is a good thing.
And again I repeat, you know, Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information -- outside the administration. And we can clarify this thing very quickly if people who have got solid evidence would come forward and speak out. And I would hope they would.
And then we'll get to the bottom of this and move on. But I want to tell you something -- leaks of classified information are a bad thing. And we've had them
-- there's too much leaking in Washington. That's just the way it is. And we've had leaks out of the administrative branch, had leaks out of the legislative branch, and out of the executive branch and the legislative branch, and I've spoken out consistently against them and I want to know who the leakers are.
WHITE HOUSE STAFF WAS OBSERVED DRAWING STRAWS AT THE END OF THE DAY TO DETERMINE WHO WOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO BULLY BOY FRIDAY MORNING THAT HE WAS THE LEAK.
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY SAYS HE WON'T STEP DOWN!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY SAYS HE WON'T STEP DOWN!
 
IN DC, BULLY BOY IS RESISTING A US-BACKED EFFORT TO BRING ABOUT HIS RESIGNATION.  IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER, BULLY BOY SAID HE HAD BEEN ELECTED DEMOCRATICALLY AND WOULD NOT STEP DOWN.  . . . 
 
WAIT, THAT'S NOT BULLY BOY!
 
 
Iraq PM Says He Won’t Step Down
In Iraq, Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari is resisting a US-backed effort to bring about his resignation. In an interview with the Guardian newspaper, al-Jaafari said he had been elected democratically and would not step down. Last week the U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad notified Shiite politicians President Bush no longer supported al-Jaafari and wanted a new leader. Meanwhile, a key Iraqi leader is backing the US stance. In an interview with the BBC, Vice President Adil Abdul-Mahdi said he has urged al-Jaafari to give up his position because he has lost the confidence of Iraq’s Sunnis and Kurds. Abdul-Mahdi is the most senior Shiite government official to call on al-Jaafari to resign.
 
 
 
 

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

THIS JUST IN! TOM DELAY WANTS TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
TOM DELAY SAYS HE'S STEPPING DOWN TO HELP OUT SOMEONE ELSE.  TO HELP OUT SOMEONE ELSE?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Monday, April 03, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BAD DAYS FOR BULLY!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BAD DAYS FOR BULLY!
 
BULLY BOY HAS GONE FROM TEFLON MAN TO S**T SOAKER.
 
IN THESE BAD DAYS FOR BULLY, EVEN HIS LAP DOGS START TO BITE AS THEY TRY TO BUILD A WALL BETWEEN BULLY BOY AND THEMSELVES IN TIME FOR THE 2006 CONGRESSIONAL ELECTIONS.
 
BULLY BOY WHINED THAT THE LOSE OF HIS FOLLOWERS MADE ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE AS THE ELECTRICITY GOING OFF TODAY IN THE U.S. CAPITOL WHICH WAS THEN EVACUATED.
 
"I JUST DON'T GET IT,"  BULLY BOY WHINED.  "NOW I EVEN GOT TO BRIEF CONGRESS ABOUT WHAT I AM PUSHING. . . . WELL REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS."
 
 
"THINGS ARE TOUGH," ACKNOWLEDGED BULLY BOY, "I CAN'T EVEN GET CHARLES TAYLOR ON SPEED DIAL AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING I THROW LIKE A GIRL."
 
 
 
 

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Friday, March 31, 2006

THIS JUST IN! CONDI SLAMS BULLY!

BULLY BOY PRESS - BLACKBURN, ENGLAND
 
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
CONDI SLAMS BULLY!
 
IN ENGLAND TODAY, SECRETARY OF STATE CONDI RICE DUSTED OFF HER POETRY SKILLS DESPITE HAVING ONLY 2 THINGS ON HER MIND: SALAMI AND THE THREE-YEAR-OLD DEFENSE.
 
WITH REGARDS TO SALAMI, SECRETARY OF STATE RICE WAS APPARENTLY HUNGRY.
 
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD DEFENSE IS ONE THAT PARENTS ACROSS THE GLOBE ARE FAMILIAR WITH: 
 
"I DIDN'T DO IT.  BUT IT YOU CAN PROVE THAT I DID, IT DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS MY FAULT!
 
 
AS A FOLLOW UP TO HER DIPLOMATIC STRATEGY OF NAH-NAH-NAH-NO-ONE-LIKES-YOU! STRATEGY, IT IS BECOMING OBVIOUSLY CLEAR THAT EVERYTHING CONDI RICE KNOWS SHE LEARNED IN KINDERGARDEN, TRULY EVERYTHING.  AND NOTHING BUT.  SO HELP HER, BULLY.
 
THE DAY STARTED OUT NICELY ENOUGH WITH CONDI IN THE MIDST OF SHARING HER LATEST STAB AT FREE VERSE:
 
 
BUT THE CROWD REFUSED TO INDULGE HER HOBBY OR HER EGO.  AS QUESTIONS WERE SHOUTED OUT TO HER, IT WAS AS THOUGH SHE WAS SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF HELEN THOMASES.
 
RESPONDING TO A QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT THOSE IN DC HAD LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE "MISTAKES OVER THE PAST THREE YEARS,"
CONDI SNAPPED BACK THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO UNLESS YOU WERE "BRAIN-DEAD."
 
REALIZING HER MISTAKE, CONDI GASPED,  "OH MY BULLY!" AND CROSSED HERSELF TWICE BUT WORD FROM DC WAS THAT BULLY BOY WAS NOT IN A FORGIVING MOMENT.
 
 
 
 
 

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

THIS JUST IN! SECRETARY OF STATE RICE TRIES NEW DIPLOMATIC STRATEGY

BULLY BOY PRESS - BERLIN.

Updated at 9:02 pm.

THIS JUST IN!

SECRETARY OF STATE RICE TRIES NEW DIPLOMATIC STRATEGY!

STATING THAT THE "INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY" WAS "UNITED" AGAINST IRAN'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM, CONDI RICE THEN PUT HER HANDS ON HER HIPS, LEANED IN, AND STUCK HER TONUGE OUT IN WHAT INTERNATIONAL OBSERVERS ARE CALLING THE NAH-NAH-NAH-NO-ONE-LIKES-YOU! STRATEGY.

"CONDI, TAKES IT TO THE PLAYGROUND," SAID 'DESERT FOX' MADELEINE ALBRIGHT ADMIRINGLY. "MY FATHER TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS."

"NOT TRUE," SAID RICE WRAPPING AN ARM AROUND ALBRIGHT. "MAD MADDY SPEAKS 7 LANGUAGES. I ONLY SPEAK 5. IT WAS MAD MADDY WHO TAUGHT ME THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY LANGUAGES YOU
SPEAK --"

"AS LONG AS YOU CAN LIE IN ALL OF THEM!" RICE AND ALBRIGHT FINISHED TOGETHER BEFORE BURSTING INTO GAILS OF LAUGHTER.

"WELL, I'VE GOT TO RUN," SAID MAD MADDY, WIPING AWAY TEARS OF JOY,
"I STILL NEED TO STOP BY THE UNITED NATIONS TO RANSACK SOME ANTIBIOTICS AND VACCINES. THIN OUT THE HERD! THIN OUT THE HERD!"

"I FEEL YOU!" SHOUTED CONDI AS MAD MADDY MOVED AT A PACE MUCH FASTER THAN ONE WOULD EXPECT FROM A WOMAN OF HER GIRTH.

"SHE'S GOOD PEOPLE," CONDI EXPLAINED. "SHE KEEPS IT REAL."



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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY FINDS NEW BLAME-GOAT!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY FINDS A NEW BLAME-GOAT!
 
AFTER HAVING SPENT HIS ENTIRE 1ST TERM BLAMING EVERYTHING FROM  9/11 TO THE PRICE OF STARBUCKS COFFEE ON THE LAST REAL ELECTED UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON, BULLY BOY HAS FOUND A NEW BLAME-GOAT FOR HIS 2ND TERM.
 
AND IT ONLY TOOK HIM 15 MONTHS AFTER BEGINNING HIS 2ND TERM TO DO IT!
 
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ONGOING VIOLENCE IN IRAQ?
 
 
IT WAS LEFT TO THE LAST REAL REPORTER IN DC,  HELEN THOMAS, TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN WAS CAPTURED ON DECEMBER 13, 2003 AND HAS BEEN HELD EVER SINCE.
 
CAUSING WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTTY MCCLELLEN TO STOP LICKING HIS PRIVATES LONG ENOUGH TO SNAP, "SO WHAT, HELEN?  SO WHAT?  WE'RE ALL KIND OF BUSY HERE!"
 
AT WHICH POINT, SCOTTY RETURNED TO LICKING HIS PRIVATES.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY PULLS BOLTEN SWITCH!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY PULLS BOLTEN SWITCH!
 
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF ANDREW CARD - GONE.  JOSHUA BOLTON IS THE NEW CHIEF OF STAFF.
 
WITH BULLY BOY'S POLL NUMBERS STUCK IN THE LOW NUMBERS, 37%, BULLY BOY HOPES THAT HE WILL BE ABLE TO MOVE THE ATTENTION AWAY FROM HIS OWN DISMAL PERFORMANCE AND ONTO A SHINY NEW LAP DOG.
 
 
WHITE HOUSE PET SCOTTY MCCLELLEN WHIMPERED, "ALL OF US SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE PRESIDENT."
 
OTHER PETS WEREN'T SO WHIPPED. 
 
"NOBODY'S DECLAWED ME!"  HISSED DONALD RUMSFELD.  "THEY START COMING OFF THE DON-MAN, I'LL SCRATCH THEIR EYES OUT."
 
 
 
 
 

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Monday, March 27, 2006

THIS JUST IN! BULLY BOY SWITCHES FOCUS!

BULLY BOY PRESS - DC.
 
THIS JUST IN!
 
BULLY BOY SWITCHES FOCUS!
 
"NO ONE SHOULD PLAY ON PEOPLE'S FEARS OR --" BULLY BOY BEGAN BEFORE BURSTING OUT INTO SOBS OF LAUGHTER. 
 
"SORRY, SORRY,"  HE SAID CATCHING HIS BREATH.  "I DON'T WRITE THIS STUFF, I JUST GET UP HERE AND READ IT."
 
 
BULLY BOY IS CALLING FOR "COMPREHENSIVE IMAGINATION REFORM."  LARGELY BECAUSE HE MEANT TO SAY "IMMIGRATION" AND NO ONE WANTED TO CORRECT HIM AFTER THE FACT.
 
SAID INTERNATIONAL BILLIE JEAN KING LOOK ALIKE WINNER ALBERTO GONZALES, WHO HOBBIES AS UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL,  "WELL WE ARE STUCK WITH IT NOW.  BUT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IMAGINATION IS JUST A HOP, SKIP AND RENDENTION AWAY FROM TERRORISM."
 
ALSO SOUNDING AN UPBEAT NOTE WAS ORIGINAL GANGSTER DICK CHENEY WHO, WHILE PROMOTING HIS NEW CD THE BULLIES AND THE TYRANTS ON TRL, DECLARED, "ABSOLUTELY WE NEED TO POLICE IMAGINATION.  THE CIA HAS LEARNED THAT SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF MASS IMAGINATION.  WEAPONS OF MASS IMAGINATION ARE A THREAT TO YOU AND TO ME.  IMAGINARY ANTHRAX CAN BE JUST AS DEADLY AS THE REAL THING.  AN IMAGINATION CAN BE DEADLY.  WORD TO THE FUHRER!  I'M OUTTA' HERE!
YOU MUTHAS!  WAR OUT!"
 
 
 
Recommended: "And the war drags on"
 
 
 
 

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